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2012

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FEBRUARY, 2012

•  There's a big difference between "love" and "being in love."  Being in love is about how you feel.  Love is about what you do. 
•  Happy Groundhog's Day!  The best thing about Groundhog's Day is that it is a totally contrived reason to celebrate.  The folks in Punxsuatawney, PA took the lead in this and it spread like wildfire. I don't know anything about the origins of Groundhog's Day and I'm too lazy to do any research (I had to look up out how to spell "Punxsuatawney" which was plenty of work for one day) but ignorance is no excuse not to celebrate.  If somebody somewhere is celebrating something, that's reason enough to join in. 
•  I recently took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  My newer readers might not know that my two great passions are 1) loving people with the unconditional love of Christ and 2) learning how to kill them with my bare hands.  An odd combo I admit.  I'm really enjoying jiu jitsu. It's fun -- kind of like chess with choking-- executing moves and countermoves trying to get to a winning position.  The people are extremely nice.  Spending an evening practicing cutting off the blood flow to each other's brains requires a great deal of niceness and trust.  Vulnerability unexploited builds trust and friendship.
•  "As you wish."  This is an oft repeated line from The Princess Bride. [If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it.  It is extremely funny.] My friend Chris suggests that this line can be applied to everyday life in a husband's approach to his wife's requests.  In the movie, a servant responds to his master's daughter's every demand with "as you wish".  What he's really saying is "I love you."  If you aren't confident in yourself, taking an "as you wish" approach, may make you feel like you are being walked on.  But, from an attitude of confidence, "as you wish" is generosity not weakness.  If the idea of taking an "as you wish" approach to others makes you uneasy, you're probably feeling like life's cheated you in some way and you're not going let anybody take anything else from you.  This is not a happy way to live.  Deciding to give without first calculating what's in it for you will lighten the burden of your life considerably. 
•  The bookstore has a huge selection of self-help books.  Diet books.  Exercise books. Relationship books.  How to get rich books.  If you really want to act to improve your life, you can probably find a book or two in a half hour that will give you a plan to follow that will work for you.  You can be a rich, thin, muscular, happily married individual relatively quickly if you follow the plan.  That's the hard part.  Following the plan.  It requires actually wanting to change and being willing to actually do something different.  For a lot of people, buying another book is just an excuse not to act.  They tell themselves the next book may have the answer.  It probably does.  Just like the last book did.  The answer is get off your butt and do something.  Some plans may work better than other plans.  You can refine your plan as you see what works best for you. But, all plans work just the same if you don't follow them.  Not at all.
•  Sixty-six years ago today my dad was discharged from the navy.  This is an important event for me, my siblings and our descendants because it highlights the fact my dad survived the Second World War.  He lived on to bring us into existence.  There were plenty of times during his service when survival was not a foregone conclusion.  A depth charge exploding a little closer to his submarine and it would have been all over.  No dad. No me.  The fact that I am here to write this and you are here to read it means an awful lot of things went right for us in the preceding millenia.  Remember that the next time you think your luck is bad.  You're actually on a mega winning streak.  Anything that goes wrong today is an insignificant blip compared to all that went into getting you here.  Be grateful. 
•  Winston Churchill is supposed to have said after the Second World War: "We shall not make the same mistakes our predecessors made after the First World War.  We shall make newer and bigger ones."  Churchill probably never said most of the things attributed to him, but I like this one whether he said it or not.  Mistakes are the inevitable result of action.  Pretending you won't or haven't made any is delusional.  Better to acknowledge their inevitability and concentrate on identifying and learning from them than wasting your time convincing yourself you couldn't possibly be wrong.
•  "If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." (Einstein)  A different result requires a different approach and a different approach may seem impossible or just ridiculous.  "So, I'm going to talk into this thing here and somebody on the other side of the world is going to hear me almost immediately out of another thing over there. That's too crazy."  The proper response to a strange idea might not be "it's too crazy" but rather  "is it crazy enough?"  The commonplace of our lives is made up of the products of the crazy ideas of those who came before us.  The commonplace of the future will come from the crazy ideas of today.  Do your part.  Be crazy.
•  I know a couple who met in the elevator of their office building at 11pm.  They were both workaholics (what was my first clue?!) and CPAs.  It was the perfect place for them to meet because it answered the most important question each had about a prospective relationship: will it interfere with my work?  There were no questions about having to change or wondering whether the other would be able to cope with the fact that you wouldn't change.  They were both in the same spot on the work issue.  When I met them, they'd been married for 10 years. [I'm sure you're asking yourself: "Mark, how'd a goof off like you meet a couple of workaholics.  Certainly, you were not in the office elevator at midnight."  I met them at the Kentucky Derby.  The wife loved horses and the husband seemed particularly fond of mint julips so that was a good fit too!]  If you're looking for a relationship, the most important thing is to know yourself and your core beliefs, desires, and traits.  When you're secure in yourself, you'll have a better idea where to look for someone who will appreciate those things in you.  If you're an out the door at 5 kind of guy, don't come back and cruise the office elevator for chicks at midnight.
•  "The only people you will influence to any great degree will be the people you care about." (Denis Waitley)  The reason is simple.  When you care for someone, their interests, desires, and needs are important to you.  It really matters to you if they succeed--are happy-- fulfilled.  If you don't care about them, they'll figure it out. Why would they listen to someone who doesn't care about them?  So, you want to be influential?  It's easy.  Care about more people. Learn their interests, needs, and desires and invest yourself in their success.
•  Valentine's Day.  A good day for love.  Love has many definitions. [It's hard to beat the Apostle Paul's description in his First Letter to the Corinthians, chapter 13 in the Bible.  Check it out.]  Today, I'll go with "love is wanting the best for someone even when it isn't you."  Real love is selfless.  This makes it hard.  We want to be loved- to feel the warmth that comes with being cared for and appreciated.  But, if we only relate to people in the hopes of getting them to care for us, we're really just saying "I'll pretend to love you if you pretend to love me."  Pretending will eventually be exposed.  If, instead, you seek the best for others, without worrying about what you get back, you give them the experience of being cared for and appreciated they are longing for.  This may or may not lead them to do the same for you.  Love attracts both the selfless and the selfish.  Be grateful for the selfless ones who return your love.  Don' be troubled by the selfish one's who don't.  Expecting a return from everyone, or from a particular individual, is a recipe for misery.  The more you practice selfless love the less you'll notice the non-responders.  You'll find you're giving is its own reward. 
•  "It doesn't work every time.  Nothing works every time, but every time you can get it to work, guess what?  It will benefit your day." (Jim Rohn)  He's talking about turning frustration into fascination. Deciding to be fascinated by the things that go wrong rather than blowing a gasket over them.  When you can see the things that don't go the way you hoped and planned, as just part of the fun, you'll be living a joyful and effective life.  Frustration doesn't fix anything.  Fascination-- taking a light-hearted, non-judgmental look at what went awry and how to do better next time-- will lead to improvement.  And, more often than not, provide you with a hearty laugh at your own expense. 
•  Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.  This is the story of me looking for something-- particularly in the kitchen-- especially in the refrigerator.  Usually, my wife or daughter has to find it for me and then we have a little chuckle about how pathetic I am in the "seeing what's right in front of my face" department.  This can be true for talents as well.  They may be like the meatballs, sitting on the top shelf in the front, with a sign that says "Meatballs" on the container.  Right there.  Plain for anybody to see . . . but you.  Ask people what your talents are.  You may discover you've got some you never saw before.  Tell people what talents you see in them.  Everybody needs to find theirs-- before they spoil.   
• "The ultimate reason for setting goals is to entice you to become the person it takes to achieve them." (Jim Rohn)  When you reach a goal, you have changed and you retain that change.  When you climb the mountain, or earn the black belt, or write the novel, you're different than you were before.  You've persevered, endured difficulties, overcome obstacles.  Your ability to do these things is confirmed in you and can be drawn on to meet anything else that comes along.  You become more effective at everything whenever you achieve something.
•  Don't waste your time worrying about what people are thinking about you.  They probably aren't.  And, if they are, so what?  It's not like you can do anything about it.  The important thing is to be the person you want to be.  Self-respect is going to get you a lot farther than seeking respect from the outside.  What do they know anyway?
•  If you think you're too old to do something, you should probably think again.  No matter what it is, chances are somebody older than you already is doing it quite successfully.  Age is a lame excuse for not attempting something you want to do.  I once read about a 47 yr-old woman who won a "Young Lawyers" fittest woman competition defeating women half her age.  Be careful.  When you say "I'm too old" you may actually be saying "I'm a coward."  
•   "For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)  We all have things that make us mad.  The trick is to manage anger so we only lose a couple of seconds of happiness not a whole minute . . . or hour . . . or day . . . or life.  Here are a few things that can help: 1) Accept the fact other people are not going to do what you want them to do.  Defeated expectations ignite anger.  Stop expecting people to live according to your plan. 2) Avoid things that aggravate you if at all possible.  I don't watch the national TV news, listen to politicians talk, or play golf.  These things frustrate me.  I haven't been able to successfully apply suggestion #1 to politicians so I avoid listening to them and to news reports about them.  As for golf, I haven't been able to apply suggestion #3 to golf.  What's suggestion #3?  Accept the fact you are not always going to do what you want you to do -- like hit the little ball in the air, in the desired direction, to the desired location.  Exasperating!  See, I just lost ten seconds by simply thinking about golf!!
•  There's an old joke.  A guy walks into a talent agent.  The agent asks: "What can you do?" The guy says: "Bird imitations."  The agent says: "Nobody wants bird imitations.  They're a dime a dozen.  Get outta here!"  The guy says: "Ok," opens the window, flaps his arms, and flies away.  It's a real challenge to hear somebody out.  We hear the start of their story and immediately put them into a little box in the mental storeroom of stereotypes we've collected.  If you do this, you won't learn anything and you might miss something spectacular. 
•  "A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather, its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it." (Max Planck)  People don't like to change their opinions. There will be a lot of naysayers telling you how wrong you are when you decide to try a different way.  Look for new people who share your vision or at least support the fact you have one.  Trying to change the old people into the new people will mostly lead to frustration. 
•  This is, I believe, the world's only Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Love Limerick: There once was a fair girl named Amy. Yes, I love her. Oh, how can you blame me? A coy smile at some bloke, Then BAM!! a rear-naked choke. Beauty renders the Beast fresh sashimi.
•  I was engaged in a conversation with some folks who were commenting on how much less expensive it is to "do it yourself" when it comes to home improvements and repairs.  I always find these conversations amusing because they presume everyone has enough competence to complete the task in an acceptable manner, in an acceptable amount of time, without doing so much damage that it ends up being even more expensive when you ultimately hire somebody who actually knows what they are doing to fix the fixing you attempted.  While this may be a fair assumption for most people, it is clearly not a fair assumption about me.  I've yet to discover a task where I have been able (or willing) to expend enough time to do it in an acceptable manner.  For me, "do it yourself" means "waste your time, get frustrated, and then get somebody else to do it."  Now, I just cut out the first two steps.  I am much happier this way.  Time is a precious commodity.  It's important to use it in a way that's most enriching for you. 
•  Every so often, I will keep a time use log.  I write down everything I do all day long and how much time I spend doing it. (Can't get those old billing time slips from my lawyering days out of my system I guess!!)  The first time I did it, I did it for several months.  I wanted to figure out where all my time was going.  I found out.  I actually was spending most of it (though not all of it) in ways that were pretty consistent with my chosen goals.  It was helpful.  When I was tempted to beat myself up about everything that I was not getting done, I had a record of what I had done and realized I was mostly on track.  This was good for me.  It may or may not be good for you.  For it to be valuable, you need to be able to use it as a tool, not an indictment.  If you tend to have a negative opinion of yourself, the time log is a bad idea.  You'll just use it as proof you're a failure.  You'll only see the hole and miss the doughnut.  But, if you allow yourself to see it as a picture of the priorities you are actually living, it can help you see whether your lived-out priorities are the same as your professed priorities and adjust one or the other as you see fit.
•  What's your laugh/gripe ratio?  How many laughs do you get in per day compared to things you gripe about (aloud or silently)?  100 to 1?  50 to 1?  0 to too many to count?  If the laugh number isn't at least 10 times the gripe number, you're probably not having a very good time.  If you can't bring yourself to stop griping, at least make a point to greatly increase your laughs.  The more you laugh the less you'll feel like griping.  Give it a shot. 
•  "People think I'm disciplined.  It is not discipline.  It is devotion.  There is a great difference." (Luciano Pavarotti)  Yes, there is.  An all-consuming love drives action like no set of "have-to's" ever could.  The most carefully crafted plan will not bring success without a burning desire to achieve the end.  I have friends who workout intensely at the gym every day.  They push their bodies to the highest level of performance each time.  People say "You're so disciplined.  I could never do that."  But, for my friends, it would take discipline NOT to do it.  Nobody ever says to me "Gee, Mark, you sure kiss your wife a lot.  You're so disciplined!"  They know I'm just doing it because I love it.  If you think a little more discipline will get you where you want to go, you first might want to double-check how badly you actually want to get there.  What you think is a lack of discipline on the journey, might really be a lack of desire for the destination. 
•  Spring Training is underway for Major League Baseball. [As you know, baseball is the first sport alluded to in the Bible.  Genesis Chapter 1, Verse 1, Line 1 "In the Big Inning God created the heavens and the earth." (St. Roberto Clemente Version) but I digress.]  It's a time of hope.  Everyone has the chance to excel. Every team has the possibility of contending for the championship.  It's a time to learn what you've got, determine what you need, and develop a strategy for succeeding.  Maybe it's a good time for you to imitate the big leaguers and take a look at your own plan for success.  Are your strengths being properly developed?  What needs to happen for you to reach your goals? Do you need to bring in a new coach or some new players to improve yourself?  Do you have a plan?  Are you implementing it or are you "waiting till next year"?
•  Happy Leap Day! Make the most of the extra 24 hours you've been given this year.  Decide to use those 24 hours as a special treat to yourself.  You may not want to use them all today but decide when you are going to take those hours and how you are going to use them.  You can take them all together.  You can take them one at a time.  You can take them in 5 minute increments.  Just decide that the extra 24 hours this year are a gift to you and you are going to make the most of them.  Get out there and have some fun!