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Daily Encouragement for Better Living

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SEPTEMBER, 2010

Do you ever hesitate to start a conversation with a new person because you don't know what to say? Don't worry about it. The main thing is how you say it. People are going to try to get a snapshot of the whole you. You can say almost anything as long as you are smiling and making eye contact. If its sunny, I might say "I hope the glare off my head isn't too bad in your eyes." It helps people see I don't take myself too seriously which makes them more comfortable. The main thing is to smile and look in their eyes with a look that says you are really glad to meet them. They probably won't remember the first thing you ever said to them but they will remember if your demeanor showed you thought they were valuable to find.
One of the most prized skills you can develop is the ability to shut up. It's even more important than tying your shoes. You can use velcro for your shoes. [I guess you could use velcro for your mouth too but it would be awkward.] Not speaking, when accompanied by not thinking about what you're going to say next, leads to listening. Listening leads to learning. Learning leads to understanding. Understanding leads to a positive relationship. A positive relationship leads to friendship or sales or romance or whatever. Time to shut up.
What does the world need from you? If we sit around pondering how to save the world, we may come up with all sorts of things that should be done to fix it. We tend to think of things that should be done on a grand scale and usually put the responsibility for accomplishing these grand plans on somebody else. The better course is to concentrate on living your purpose. The thing you love. The thing that never grows old no matter how often you do it. The thing that gives you energy and makes you smile just thinking about it. The world needs you full of life and joy. Whether it's writing or singing or organizing or mountain climbing or loving-- whatever it is-- when you do it you become what you were created to be and that is exactly what the world needs.
We have more talent than we have time to use it. A friend showed me some drawings she'd done years ago. They were excellent sketches of people. She hasn't drawn in years. She's been doing other valuable things: pursuing other goals, using other talents, caring for people. You could look at this as sad, having a talent for something, enjoying it, but never doing it. Or you could think how wonderful it is to have a surplus of talent. We humans are remarkable creatures capable of virtually limitless achievements. If you're feeling like you're not utilizing all your talents take heart. You can re-prioritize or you can relax and wait till the time is right to use that dormant talent. You get to pick.
I heard a Pat Benatar song on the radio at the gas station this morning. Thinking of her always makes me smile. When I went away to law school many years ago, she was hot (professionally, as well as otherwise.) I joked with my friends that if the law school thing didn't work out, I would just quit and go play guitar in Pat Benatar's band-- because, as I noted above, she was hot ( and I'm not speaking about her professional hotness which was pretty much irrelevant to the whole joke/fantasy thing.) During the first year of law school ordeal, my friends would ask when I was going to chuck it all and hit the road with Pat. "Soon. Very soon." Pat Benatar didn't put all her talent, energy, sweat, and passion into her musical career so some pathetic law student could get a momentary chuckle from imagining himself rocking on stage behind her-- instead of learning to apply the Rule Against Perpetuities. But, her pursuit of her dream did provide that unintended and unimagined benefit to me. When we pursue our calling, our passion, we give the world what we were created to give it and we'll never be able appreciate the depth and breadth of the good we do. That's part of the fun. The ripples extend so far only God can see them. Go start some ripples.
Labor Day is a good time to contemplate work-- which is a lot better than actually doing any. As a Catholic, I like to say I'm exempt from the Protestant work ethic. The drive to be productive can crush the joy of being human. We are not what we produce. If we value ourselves, and others, based on the usefullness of what we produce, we make ourselves machines. Machines never have any fun. They don't have any friends. They never feel joy or exhilaration. They don't laugh at funny things. If this sounds like you, it's time to start concentrating on being someone rather than seeing how much more you can make. Machines are replaceable. You shouldn't be.
I once went to a basketball game at the old Chicago Stadium with an "Obstruced View" ticket. I spent the evening intently watching a steel support column with basketball players continuously disappearing then reappearing from behind it. I didn't miss everything but I did miss a lot. People would cheer and I wouldn't know why. Got anything obstructing your view? Keeping you from experiencing consistent joy and satisfaction? What's keeping you from moving away from behind it? Life doesn't have assigned seating. Maybe somebody put you behind a column of self-doubt or fear. Maybe you put yourself there. Either way, you can get up and move. Where do you want to be? Stand up and start walking that way.
Today, in New York City, my son Nick enters the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. If all goes as planned, he'll spend the rest of his life living in poverty in bad neighborhoods meeting the material, spiritual, and sacramental needs of his neighbors. I must confess that on the day he was born, when I held him and looked at him for the first time, I didn't say "I sure hope you grow up to live in a dangerous neighborhood surrounded by desperate people." Today, that's exactly what I want for him because it's what he wants. It's the call he's drawn to answer. God longs to fill the emptiness-- material as well as spiritual-- of all people. Somebody has to do it for Him-- be His eyes, ears, hands, feet, heart-- somebody has to supply the body for Christ to work through. One of those somebodies is Nick. People ask if it's a hard life. It would be a lot harder not doing what you're called to do. Misery comes from following someone else's plan for your life. Please pray for Nick, as he embarks on this life, that he sees the path God wants him to follow and follows it. Obviously, I am very proud of him.
"We spend too much energy worrying about the things we want to do but can't, instead of concentrating on doing the things we can do but don't." (Denis Waitley) I can't do ten pullups. But, I can do one. If I do one enough times, pretty soon I'll be able to do two. Before long, I'll be at ten. If I spend my time wishing I could do ten pullups (instead of doing the one I can do), and blaming myself for not training earlier in my life so I could do ten now, pretty soon I won't even be able to do one. Do what you can do-- now. Make a plan to get where you want to go that start's with doing something you can do right now and build slowly on it till reach your goal.
In 1771, at the age of 65, Benjamin Franklin began to write his autobiography. It's a great book with many insights into what it takes to make a successful life. It took him a while to complete it though because he got busy, what with the American Revolution, starting a new form of government, and all. While he clearly accomplished alot before the age of 65, what most of us know him for is what he did after becoming a "senior citizen". Approach life like you're Benjamin Franklin. Assume that your greatest work is being done today and into the future. What came before is just the foundation for today's transforming work. How ever good the past may have been, make the present even better.
Don't wait till you're perfect to bring people God's love. They can't wait that long. Loving imperfectly is a lot better than not loving at all.
It's a perfectly beautiful morning. Blue sky. Sunshine. Perfect for relaxing and reflecting on life's many blessings. It's Sunday. To Christians, the Lord's Day. A day to set aside the scramble of daily life-- to worship-- to enjoy-- to experience peace-- to rest. We Americans are a restless people. We don't know how to rest. We don't really like it. It seems unproductive and being unproductive (or even worse thinking other people might think you are unproductive) is our most serious secular sin. In this regard, I recommend being more sinful.
Someone might throw you into the dumpster of rejection but staying there is strictly up to you. The hardest part of climbing out is believing you don't belong there. It's easy to think: "If I'm in the dumpster, I must be a piece of trash. Why else would I have been thrown here?" But, ignorant people throw away valuable things all the time. There are people who spend endless hours digging valuable things out of the trash and selling them for a lot of money or preserving them for themselves. As a living treasure, you have an advantage. You don't have to wait for someone to find you in the dumpster (they may not, you know. Much more discarded treasure is lost forever than is found by someone who can recognize it). You can climb out yourself. Don't live in the dumpster for another second. You deserve much better.
In her book Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life, Winifred Gallagher says "if you don't choose a target, your brain will choose one for you " so it's important to choose what you want to think about. She says when the brain is not deliberately focused it tends to dwell on bad news. This isn't good because she says research shows negative feelings shrink your scope of vision and limit your options for acting. Negative thoughts actually prevent you from seeing your options. Focusing on compassion, joy and gratitude expand your mental horizons. Pick the positive to think about and you'll see life offers a richness you haven't seen before.
On Monday, as I was sitting outside writing the daily email, our new dog jumped on me spreading mud all over my shirt. Yesterday, I was going to outwit him. My wife was outside. When I went to speak with her, I opened the screen door and cleverly held it open enough to stick my head out but not enough for the dog to jump up on my clothes. It worked. He didn't jump on me. He jumped on the door causing it to slam shut on my head, jamming my glasses into my face and snapping one of the side pieces of my glasses in half. It was hilarious . . . and painful. What's the moral of this story? "Mark, you can't outwit anyone-- even a dog?" Well, that's one of them. The other is sometimes our "genius" ideas turn out to be kind of stupid. When they do, it's tempting to stubbornly refuse to change them instead of looking for a better way. This just leads to more getting your head slammed in the door. Generally, you shouldn't give up on your goals but you should be open to changing your method for achieving them.
"Don't wish it was easier, wish you were better." (Jim Rohn) When things are tough, instead of thinking about how tough they are think about what would make them easier. What skill do you need to get where you want to go? Who can help you? What can you change about your self to turn this difficult task into a piece of cake? Then, work on making that change in yourself. The changed you can then attack your problem with more ease and confidence.
Today is the U.S. Constitution's 223rd birthday. It's not as catchy as the Declaration of Independence. Fomenting revolution wasn't on the agenda anymore. In the Constitution they were trying "to secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity." We are their posterity and its good for us to reflect on how well we're doing with the blessings of liberty they sought to secure for us. Are you making the most of your personal liberty? History teaches that governments can restrain personal liberty to the point of extinction. That's bad. But its even worse when a person refuses to embrace the freedom they have because they don't want to accept the responsibility of making their own choices. Expecting someone else (government, spouse, other people generally) to make your life better leads to constant disappointment. The more control you give to someone else over your happiness the less happy you're going to be.
"Nothing changes in life until you change. The change starts when you transform from a reactive state to a life of hope for tomorrow." (Bryan Dodge) If you spend today worrying about fixing yesterday, you'll be doing the same thing tomorrow. Getting nowhere. Use today to set up an even better tomorrow. What's a better tomorrow look like? If you don't have an answer to that, starting to figure it out should be what you do today. What do you want tomorrow to look like?
Yesterday, I asked "What do you want tomorrow to look like?" Over the next few days, I'll review some things you can do so you can answer that question. First, make a "Life Goals List". The idea is to think of anything you want to do in your life and write it down. Big. Small. Whatever. Sit down with a piece of paper and let your imagination run. Don't filter your ideas by judging them impossible or too hard. Just write down anything you think you'd like to do. Climb a mountain, run a marathon, learn to sing, reach a certain level of fitness, write a novel, write a song, travel to China, whatever strikes your fancy. Be open. Take some time and do it today or set a time you are going to do it and stick to it. We'll discuss what to do after you make the list later. Just make the list. If you've already got a list, take a look at it and add things you hadn't thought of before.
Take the Life Goals List you made yesterday (or read yesterday's email and make your list). Decide which goals you want to work on first. You're going to have longer term and shorter term goals and some are going to be simpler and others more complex. Pick a couple short term and a couple long term goals to start working on. You might want to sort all of your goals into long term, short term categories but at least do it for the few you've selected to start working on first.
Take a look at the goals you chose yesterday to start working on (if you missed the last couple days emails you can find them on the funfirstliving.com website). Decide what the first small step you want to take is in achieving that goal and do it. For example if you want to climb Mt. Everest, your first step could be do a web search to find companies that put together Mt. Everest expeditions. If you want to lose weight, you might start by deciding how much you want to lose (maybe do some jumping jacks while you're thinking about it!!). The idea is to make it a very small step that you can do pretty easily. That's today's assignment. Decide on and take one small step toward meeting one of your goals. How easy is that?
Now that you've made a Life Goals List, decided on which goals you want to start working on, and taken the time to decide on and take the first small step toward reaching them, it's time for the 5-step list. Make a list of the next 5 small steps you will take toward achieving your goals. Step 5 should always be to make a new 5 step list. Do one step per day. If you can't do a step in a day it's probably not small enough. Set your steps really, really small. As you get rolling, it will get easier. The idea is to make the steps easily achievable so you build momentum and can see yourself progressing. For example, if the life goals you are working on are writing a book and getting physically fit your first list might look like: 1) spend 5 minutes thinking of possible topics for a book; 2) spend 5 minutes visualizing what "fit" looks like for you; 3) think about whether to join a gym, hire a personal trainer, develop your own program, etc. 4) think about how much time you are going to devote each day or week to working on your book; 5) make a new 5 step list. As you progress your list might be: 1) write for 1/2 an hour; 2) do upper body weight lifting routine; 3) find source of info for ____ topic for book; 4) shop for food in my nutrition plan; 5) make a new 5 step list. Tailor your list to your current situation. It's very important to make the steps easy for you. Don't set them where you think you "should" be. Set them easy where you are.
Now that you've got life goals, long and short term goals and your five small steps action plan, here are the two things you MUST DO: 1) Start. 2) Don't Quit. The fear of starting and the desire to quit after you start derail most people most of the time. It's natural to feel these things. Act in spite of those feelings. Start. Don't Quit. Pretty simple.
"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." (Shakespeare) You're going to have doubts. You just have to examine them to see if they are really on your side. Probably, they're the enemy in disguise-- working to subvert your plan for victory. Don't take the enemy's advice. Act in spite of your doubts and move to success.
"When you enter a darkened room, why does your hand reach out for the light switch? Because you know that when you hit the switch, the light will go on." (Jeff Olson) You know. You don't have to ask yourself "How am I going to see in this dark room?" You know flipping the switch gets you light. Time is like that. If you do your small steps towards your goals every day, the march of time will get you there. Be confident in this. Time turns a small sum saved into a large amount of money. Time turns some walking and some pushups into a healthier body. Time turns a hair-cluttered head into a magnificent bald one. (Well, maybe not for everyone but it sure worked for me!) Believing that doing the small steps will bring you success will get you to do them, and doing them over time will get you where you want to go. It's pretty simple. You just have to believe enough to act.
A banner ad proclaimed "Meet Senior Singles." It included a profile: Jenny, age 46. What the . . . !! 46? Senior? Give me a break! Who is going to click on that? If you are 46, are you interested in a guy who thinks he's a senior citizen? Age is irrelevant but outlook is important. No matter your age, don't be thinking you're old.
"Take action as soon as possible, before the feeling passes and before the idea dims. If you don't, here's what happens: You fall prey to the law of diminishing intent." (Jim Rohn) If you don't take some small action when the idea is fresh and the passion is high, the urgency starts to diminish. You should at least write down what you want to do and set a time you are going to develop a plan, break it into small steps, so you can move toward achieving it. If you don't do something now, chances are you'll do nothing later.
Cosima Wagner awoke on her birthday, Christmas Day 1870, to the beautiful sound of a chamber orchestra playing a piece written especially for her by her husband Richard. He had smuggled the orchestra into the stairwell outside her bedroom to perform "Siegfried's Idyll". Siegfried was their then infant son. The music, an expression of the deep affection Richard had for Cosima and Siegfried, was the richest gift he could give her. We can't all whip up an orchestral piece for our loved ones but we can take the time to figure out a genuine expression of love. This requires: 1) thought and 2) caring enough to think. If you start with 2), 1) will become easier. You might be surprised how many different expresions of love you can come up with.
This is the second anniversary of my dad's death. I decided to re-run what I wrote last year. Here it is: Last year, at about this time of the morning, I learned my father was dead. It wasn't a surprise. Time has passed quickly since then. Life goes on without him. Though, in a sense, he's still around. The guy looking back at me in the mirror every morning looks a lot like him. The guy in the mirror lives his life on the same fundamental principles as my dad. He appreciates and is annoyed by the same sorts of things. People, especially our children, are formed by their interactions with us. In this sense, we all are going to live on in this world as well as the next. What I got from my dad isn't perfect but it's way more good than bad. Thanks Pop. Hope my kids can say the same.