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Daily Encouragement for Better Living

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JUNE, 2009

Today is my dad's birthday. I won't be sending him a card. The post office doesn't deliver there and I'm not quite ready to make the trip to give it to him in person. This is his first birthday in the afterlife. In thinking of him, my mental picture has him in middle age with his "cat that swallowed the canary" smile on his face. The kind of smile he had when he'd pulled one over on you. The kind of smile that goes along with you finding him standing there eating the last chocolate chip cookie as you are walking hungrily toward the now cookieless cookie jar. I can see that smile quite vividly in my mind's eye. I'm sure that's exactly the expression he wears all the time now. Happy birthday, Pop!
Every so often, I will keep a time use log. I write down everything I do all day long and how much time I spend doing it. (Can't get those old billing time slips from my lawyering days out of my system I guess!!) The first time I did it, I did it for several months. I wanted to figure out where all my time was going. I found out. I actually was spending most of it (though not all of it) in ways that were pretty consistent with my chosen goals. It was helpful. When I was tempted to beat myself up about everything that I was not getting done, I had a record of what I had done and realized I was mostly on track. This was good for me. It may or may not be good for you. For it to be valuable, you need to be able to use it as a tool, not an indictment. If you tend to have a negative opinion of yourself, the time log is a bad idea. You'll just use it as proof you're a failure. You'll only see the hole and miss the doughnut. But, if you allow yourself to see it as a picture of the priorities you are actually living, it can help you see whether your lived-out priorities are the same as your professed priorities and adjust one or the other as you see fit.
Dr. Cliff Kuhn says to celebrate your defeats. Since defeats are great teachers, you need to emulate other successful people and cherish your defeats as prized learning experiences. Successful people learn from their losses and move on. Unsuccessful people see defeats as signs to give up.
What's your laugh/gripe ratio? How many laughs do you get in per day compared to things you gripe about (aloud or silently)? 100 to 1? 50 to 1? 0 to too many to count? If the laugh number isn't at least 10 times the gripe number, you're probably not having a very good time. If you can't bring yourself to stop griping, at least make a point to greatly increase your laughs. The more you laugh the less you'll feel like griping. Give it a shot.
"People think I'm disciplined. It is not discipline. It is devotion. There is a great difference." (Luciano Pavarotti) Yes, there is. An all-consuming love drives action like no set of "have-to's" ever could. The most carefully crafted plan will not bring success without a burning desire to achieve the end. I have friends who workout intensely at the gym every day. They push their bodies to the highest level of performance each time. People say "You're so disciplined. I could never do that." But, for my friends, it would take discipline NOT to do it. Nobody ever says to me "Gee, Mark, you sure kiss your wife a lot. You're so disciplined!" They know I'm just doing it because I love it. If you think a little more discipline will get you where you want to go, you first might want to double-check how badly you actually want to get there. What you think is a lack of discipline on the journey, might really be a lack of desire for the destination.
Some say "time is money." But, "time is money" is subsistence thinking-- the idea you need to spend every waking moment toiling to survive or get ahead (whatever that means). The "time is money" people I know are not happy people. They're tormented by the idea a minute might slip by without being converted into a dollar (actually a few dollars). Time is actually a gift to be used as you desire. If you're spending it in pursuit of what's most important to you, you're not wasting it-- no matter what the "time is money" people think.
A little girl was riding in the car with her mom when she asked: "What's 'Pope yes'?" Being in a devout Catholic family, the girl new about the pope. She was unfamiliar with Popeye or the restaurants that bear his name. The sign for "Popeye's" declared "Pope yes" to her. What we see is often determined by what we're looking for. And, we're usually looking for things that are already familiar to us. Just for fun, take a walk through a place you're familiar with and act like you've never been there before. Act like you've just arrived in some foreign land. Do you see things differently? Are there things you've failed to see before? Now, try it with a person. Try to see something in a person you're close to that you've never seen before. It'll be a challenge but it might be fun.
Starbucks nearly killed me. It was all their fault. I went there on Sunday morning to get frozen coffee drinks for my beloved daughters (because I am such a wonderful, caring, and generous father who deserves truly lavish gifts on this upcoming Fathers' Day, which is June 21st and less than two weeks away, but, I digress) and a newspaper. Starbucks was out of beverage carrying trays. Being the positive, "can do", "nothing's too tough for me" kind of guy that I am, I took this in stride. I stuck the newspaper under my arm, balanced the drinks, walked to the car, opened the door, and prepared to enter. I've done this numerous times with the drinks in the tray without incident. Bend over, lean in, put the tray on the floor, sit down, drive away. But, this time, the drinks were not in a tray. I bent over but, while attempting the lean in phase, I did not lean in. Instead, I smacked my temple quite painfully into the doorframe, saw stars, and nearly passed out in the parking lot. Of course, I started laughing uncontrollably (once everything stopped spinning)-- imagining a crowd of arriving customers standing around with bemused expressions on their faces, trying to figure out why I was lying there, car door open, clutching frapuccinos and wondering whether I'd drunk out of them or if it was safe to steal them from me since I was in no position to defend them. If Starbucks hadn't been out of trays, this never would have happened. They are clearly at fault for my pain and humiliation. Another day, another chapter in the adventures of being me. Do I know how to live or what?
We have a couple of small chunks of marble that got knocked off a large block of marble in the process of making a sculpture. They got knocked off because they were concealing the beautful creation the sculptor could see hidden in the block. The scraps had to go for the beauty to be revealed. They are a nice image for us. Do you see a masterpiece within you? What's concealing it? Chances are you've got some doubts and misconceptions about yourself that make you see more rock than masterpiece. What's holding you back? Time to take the hammer to your doubts and negative attitudes and let the world see how wonderful you were meant to be.
I just noticed the 5 lb dumbell in my desk drawer. It's a good reminder of how small steps lead to big success. Several years ago, faced with my pathetic physical condition, I decided I had to do something to put a little distance between me and the Grim Reaper. But, where to star? I knew I wouldn't do much so I aimed low. I got the 5 lb weight (I might have swiped it from my wife who has always faithfully exercised and clearly didn't need it as much as I did!!) and a small rubber ball. First thing in the morning I'd do a few bicep curls with the weight and squeeze the ball a few times. I did the same thing after lunch. I made myself do pushups every time I went to the bathroom. I started out trying to do ten. I tied the exercise to something I knew I was going to be doing during the day anyway. It made it easy to remember to do. Before long, I could do 20, 30, 50 pushups at a time. Today, while I'm unlikely to be cast as Brad Pitt's body double anytime soon, I'm actually in pretty good shape. Starting small-- very small-- is the trick to achieving anything. What do you want to achieve? What's a small step you can take right now toward achieving it? Do it.
I discussed using the "small step" approach to achieving goals yesterday. Here's a refresher on how to go about it. Decide what the first small step you want to take is in achieving that goal and do it. For example if you want to climb Mt. Everest, your first step could be do a web search to find companies that put together Mt. Everest expeditions. If you want to lose weight, you might start by deciding how much you want to lose (maybe do some jumping jacks while you're thinking about it!!). The idea is to make it a very small step that you can do pretty easily. That's today's assignment. Decide on and take one small step toward meeting one of your goals. How easy is that?
Another good tool in the "small step" approach to reaching your goals is to make a list of the next 5 small steps you will take toward achieving your goals. Step 5 should always be to make a new 5 step list. Do one step per day. If you can't do a step in a day it's probably not small enough. Set your steps really, really small. As you get rolling, it will get easier. The idea is to make the steps easily achievable so you build momentum and can see yourself progressing. For example, if the life goals you are working on are writing a book and getting physically fit your first list might look like: 1) spend 5 minutes thinking of possible topics for a book; 2) spend 5 minutes visualizing what "fit" looks like for you; 3) think about whether to join a gym, hire a personal trainer, develop your own program, etc. 4) think about how much time you are going to devote each day or week to working on your book; 5) make a new 5 step list. As you progress your list might be: 1) write for 1/2 an hour; 2) do upper body weight lifting routine; 3) find source of info for ____ topic for book; 4) shop for food in my nutrition plan; 5) make a new 5 step list. Tailor your list to your current situation. It's very important to make the steps easy for you. Don't set them where you think you "should" be. Set them easy where you are.
In math, two negatives make a positive. In people, two negatives make misery². Don’t be a part of that equation. Be a positive factor in all your relationships and your happiness will be exponential.
"Back of 99 out of 100 assertions that a thing cannot be done is nothing but the unwillingness to do it." (William Feather) That's a pretty challenging statement. Most of those assertions are probably made before even attempting the thing. Others are made after one or two failed attempts. It's important not to give up in advance and to give it a reasonable try. Half-hearted attempts seldom succeed.
"Some people think, 'I can get Botox and then I'll be lovable.' But the way to be lovable is to do lovable things." (Dr. Robert Leavy in Wall Street Journal 6/16/09) Changing the way you look might get you noticed more but it won't get you loved more. An alluring package might get someone to take you home from the store but it won't make them enjoy your content. That's why it's more important to be impressive than to look impressive.
Never ask a skinny person where to eat. That's like asking me to recommend a good barber. How would I know? Certainly not by personal experience. When you're looking for advice, look to people who are already succeeding. Often we ask advice of the people who just happen to be around. Give some thought to who the best people to learn from would be and start asking them. This will expedite the learning process considerably.
I received a large helping of FEEDback from skinny people in response to yesterday's statement: :"Never ask a skinny person where to eat." Guess I left a bad taste in their mouths. [Aren't you glad you're not paying for this? These ovecooked puns would be hard to swallow if you had to pick up the check for them too.] I'm glad I heard from them. It leads nicely into the second course (ok, I think I'm finished) I had planned. A skinny person, in fact, may know many great places to eat just like I might know a good barber. That's why you should never reject out of hand anything anyone tells you. You just need to evaluate it. The point of seeking out successful people for advice is that it improves your odds of getting good advice. It doesn't guarantee it and it doesn't mean you won't get good advice from an apparently unlikely source. It's like fishing. You might catch a fish anywhere but your chances are better if you go to a spot where someone else is already catching them.
I learned to play the guitar because I wanted to be a rock star and my dad wouldn't let me have a set of drums. I never became a rock star. I did become a music lover though. In pursuing my desire for fame, I discovered that what started out as just the means to my goal of stardom turned out to be a worthy end in itself. I now love music in most of its styles and am in awe of the power to create beautiful music we humans possess. I eventually decided my original goal was not really what I wanted but its pursuit brought me to the point where I found something that contiues to enrich my life (and nobody bothers me for autographs). Be open to other opportunities that arise while pursuing your goals and don't discourage a wannabe rock star, whether its your child, your friend, somebody you meet at a party, or especially, if it's you.
This is my first fatherless Fathers' Day. On his birthday, a few weeks back, my mental picture of him was in his middle age. Today, it's the old man: sitting in his chair, wearing a sweater even though its a warm day, his wide eyes behind his glasses even though he can't really see anything out of them. The dementia's got him so the thoughts he's trying to convey get lost on the trip from his brain to his tongue. When he was at that point, I tended to think : "That's not really 'him'". The real "him" is somebody in his past. Somebody before the physical and mental malfunctions. Now, I see that I was wrong. He was "him" all along, the frail old man as much as the guy who used to race me up the steps (and always beat me to the top) to get me to go to bed. When he died, I didn't want to remember the "old" man. But, now, it's ok. In life, you've got to eat the whole box of chocolates. Some may be less tasty relative to the others and not seem so good when you're eating them, but, when you look back on it, they were all chocolate and that's not a bad thing. The old man thing wasn't the tastiest piece in the box but it was sweet in many ways just the same. Happy Father's Day, Pop.
I ran into a young guy out on Fathers' Day with his wife and daughter (about age 4). I exchanged Fathers' Day pleasantries. Actually, I didn't exchange them. I sent some his way but they were obliterated by his Anti-Pleasantries force field. He didn't seem very happy. I wanted to say: "You have a beautiful wife and a vivacious daughter, I'd think you could look a little happier about it, at least on Fathers' Day." But, I like my teeth in their current positions inside my mouth, so, I didn't say anything. Cutting the guy some slack, maybe he was dealing with a real tragic event. Something about his own father perhaps. But, usually, being unhappy comes from failing to appreciate what you've got, which is also tragic. But, at least you can do something about that.
What you see is controlled by what you're looking for. If you look for beauty, you'll find it. If you look for opportunity, you'll find it. If you look for flaws and obstacles, you'll find them too. Pretty simple, eh?
You might say "Mark, it's great you find so much joy in other people but frankly I don't like people that much. They're mostly a big disappointment to me. I find them a source of pain not joy." It may surprise you but for a long time I never really liked people either. I spent a lot of time being critical. I thought life would be so much better if people would just change. Eventually, I realized this approach was making me unhappy and that, like the weather, people are what they are. No amount of whining was going to change them. I just had to adapt. So, I decided I wasn't going to let what was wrong with other people bother me. I did two things to accomplish this: 1) realized I was responsible for my own happiness and didn't need anyone to act in any particular way to make me happy; 2) quit thinking about what was wrong with people and started looking for what was good about them instead. It worked. It took some effort to catch my old thought patterns and change them but in a short period of time I'd become a happy person.
Yesterday, I had my body fat percentage measured. It was 89.3% The good news is that when they subtracted out the fat in my head, the percentage in the rest of my body was only 23.7%. Ok, I'm lying. They didn't actually measure the fat in my head. They don't have an instrument for that. Fatheadedness must be observed not measured. It usually accompanies an inflated ego and is evidenced by an inability to see other people's points of view and the certainty that you are always correct. Self-detection is difficult but can save you from acute humiliation if you can stop being fatheaded long enough to see the signs.
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light." (Albert Schweitzer) A life devoted to rekindling the flame of other people's flickering and extinguished lights is a life of huge reward.
"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." (Gandhi) We often don't give ourselves (or our kids) the leeway to make mistakes. We can't be second-guessing everything we do. God made us free beings. Free to act. Fear of mistakes can keep us from acting and deny us the fullness God intended for us. Don't choke off your freedom. Mistakes are almost never fatal. Learn and move on.
"We exaggerate misfortune and happiness alike. We are never as bad off or as happy as we say we are." (Honore de Balzac) I only half agree. While we are seldom as bad off as we might say, we probably are happier than we let on. In our culture, there seems to be a taboo about saying anything too positive about your circumstances. Maybe we think it's bragging. Maybe we think it'll jinx us. Maybe it's just not paying attention. If you objectively look at your life and all the blessings in it, chances are things are going pretty well for you. Be careful though. If you start seeing these things and being grateful for them you might discover you're so happy that you're compelled to admit it. If you start answering "how are you?" with "as happy as a person could ever hope to be" people are going to start avoiding you, you shameless taboo-breaker.
I walked into the house, into the bathroom, and turned on the light. "That light's not very I bright," I thought. "I wonder if there's some electrical problem." Then I realized that the only thing that wasn't very bright was me. I was wearing sunglasses. The light was just fine. So many times it's the obstructions we place in our vision that keep us from seeing the truth and they can lead us to draw very wrong conclusions about what we think we're seeing in our relationships.
One of the benefits of hands free cellphone technology is that you can walk down the street talkng to yourself and people just think you're talking on the phone. Before, they would have known you were disturbed, but now, they just think you're high tech. Of course, nothing is perfect. Now, if someone passes me while I'm saying "Mark, you're such an idiot!" They'll think: "Boy, I'm glad I'm not Mark. Listen to how that jerk is talking to him. He shouldn't talk to him that way." And, they'd be right. We shouldn't be abusive to ourselves anymore than to anyone else.